REDRUM

Yesterday, when I was cleaning the bathrooms, this is a conversation I had (I'll put it in movie-script format for your reading pleasure).

Ali enters the bathroom, arms loaded with cleaning supplies.  She drops everything on the counter and flips on the light.  Camera zooms in on fan switch left conspicuously off.  She begins to clear off the counter and hums softly to herself.  She sprays the surfaces and puts cleaner in the toilet bowl.  She begins to sing.  Luckily, she's home alone and no one can hear how off key she is.  She now begins to clean.


Ali:  I. can't get no-oo sat.is.factio-on.  I can't get no-oo sat.is.factio-on... but I try and I try and I----  WHAT!  How is there already mold growing in the crack between the tub and floor?  I just cleaned in here last week!  Ugh.

She sprays the offending mold and lets the bleach soak in as she begins to clean the tub.

Voice:  It's because you live in Astoria.

Ali quickly turns around

Ali:  Wh-who said that?  (there is a slight tremor in her voice)

Toilet:  It's me, your toilet.  And I was just answering your question about why mold is growing again after only a week.  You live in Astoria, where it's damp all the time, that's why mold grows faster here than anywhere else in the WORLD!  (there is a hint of pride in the toilet's voice at this last bit)


Ali:  Oh, um, ok...  I wasn't expecting an actual answer, but... thanks. (she goes back to cleaning)


Toilet:  You know, if you lived somewhere else, somewhere drier, you might not have to deal with it so much.

Ali:  Yeah, like that never occurred to me (rolls eyes).  But where in the world could I possibly find a mold-resistant location? (She moves on to clean the sink and mirror).


Toilet:  You've lived in two such locations already!  It's called a 'desert' and I've heard it's quite dry there.  I have no desire to see it for myself, but I have friends who say they're very nice.

Ali(ce):  You have friends?
       (to herself) This is getting curious-er and curious-er...

Toilet:  Of course I ha...

At this point, Ali begins to clean the toilet, effectively gagging it.


She moves on to the master bathroom, no longer in a singing mood, but feeling quite strange.  After spraying everything down, she begins to clean the toilet first, hoping to stall anymore weird conversations.  No such luck.


Master Shower:  So, why don't you just move, then?

Ali:  Well, I've tried, but Chris is stuck here and...  Wait a minute... How do you know what me and the kids' toilet were talking about?  Do you have, like, a psychic connection?

MS:  That's the part of this that seems strange to you? Not the fact that your bathroom fixtures are talking?

Ali:  Yeah, I guess you're right.  Anyway, Chris won't move, so I pretty much have to wait until he dies, which will be in like, 100 years!

MS:  There's always... MURDER...

Ali:  Murder?  Are you insane! (at this point, both bathrooms are spotless, but Ali is sweaty, her clothes are bleach-stained, and her back hurts)


 Ali: Hmmmm.... Murder....  (she rubs her chin and looks thoughtful....)  


Camera fades to black.


If this was an after-school special, I'd then come back on screen in a lovely living room set and talk about the dangers of household chemicals in low ventilated areas, and how I've since switched to all-organic products and ALWAYS turn on the fan when cleaning the bathrooms.  But, since it's not, Chris' funeral is on Thursday, and can someone come help me pack?